| Tuesday, September 14, 2004 I feel so fat today. I ate about 650 cals. Better than I normally do. I want to lose about a pound a day and I know it’s going to be hard, but I got to try. I need to stop giving into the hunger. Only weak people give into the hunger. I need to be strong. I weigh about 90 lbs (fat I know) and I want to weigh about 80 or 85 lbs. I want to be pretty. I want to be beautiful. I’m sick of being fat. I don’t know why everything thinks I’m so skinny. I mean, can’t they see how huge I am? My thighs, my hips, my stomach? Ewww. I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I am too ashamed. I am sick of the reflection staring back at me being a fat girl. I want her to be beautiful. I need to lose some more weight. Tomorrow, I will push extra hard at baton and dance and I will do my weight routine and crunches. I have to get rid of this disgusting fat. Saturday, September 18, 2004 I am so fat. I am 90 lbs now. I was 88 lbs a couple weeks ago. My metabolism slowed down. I hate it. I’ve been restricting all week and I GAINED weight. Yesterday (Friday) I ate over 1000 cals, but that’s the only day this week I have ate that much and I’ve STILL gained weight. How am I ever supposed to get to my goal weight if I keep eating like a pig? I thought I’d get down to like 87 lbs this week. That would have been losing 2 lbs, which is what I normally do lose. It looks like I’ll be lucky to weigh in under 90 lbs. GROSS!! This is so not fair. AND I have to go to therapy Thursday. I haven’t even been able to look at myself in the mirror. I’m too scared. It’s almost 5 pm and I’ve only had 125 cals so far today. I’ll have another 125 when aunt comes home from work. I’m starting to get hungry, but I don’t see a point in eating if she is going to ask me to eat again. I want to lose weight. I don’t want to be this fat hideous thing for the rest of my life. I had about 500 cals today. I feel so fat and so crappy. Why can’t I just be normal? Sunday, September 19, 2004 I weighed in at 89 lbs today. It could have been worse. I have to start eating more normally. At least every other day or something. My metabolism is all messed up and I need to fix that. I am going to get so fat. As long as I keep in mind that if I don’t like what I look that I can change it, I should be okay. But I know I’m not going to like getting fat. But if I have to get fat in order to get thinner, then I’ll do it. I ate over 1000 cals today. I feel so fat. I hate eating. I wish I didn’t have to go to therapy on Thursday. That’s really going to be a down side to my entire week. I just want this whole thing to go away. I just want to be normal. I don’t want to have to worry about this all the time. I should be worrying about college and school. Not college, school, my weight, my appearance, therapy, etc. I HATE THIS!!! Thursday, September 23, 2004 I went to therapy today. It was very boring. The goals we outlined were to change my body image (see hips and thighs more realistically), maintain weight at 90 lbs plus or minus 2 lbs, and to work to only have 2 flashbacks PER WEEK!!!!! Wouldn’t that be AWESOME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Stacia (my counselor) said she was going to talk to my doctor and Chris about what weight is too low for me and would send me to IP. School was okay. I got a 100% on my Global Studies test over the Enlightenment Era. I wore my hair down today as well. I seem to get so many more looks when my hair is down. I don’t know if I like it. I’m self conscious enough without having people stare at me. I ate over 1500 cals today but my metabolism is still readjusting itself so I’m not too worried about the weight gain. I know if I don’t like it, I can restrict again, but I don’t know if I will. I know I don’t want to gain a lot of weight, I’d prefer not to gain any but it’s necessary at the moment. Sunday, September 26, 2004 I feel like shit. I ate about 750 cals Saturday. I am so moody and I just wish that no one knew. No one seems to understand. I am fine. Why can’t people just take that and be happy?? Why do I have to be “perfect” all the time. Friday, at the football game, I was moved up front on the fire baton routine and was told that I “had better not mess up” because everyone was going to be watching me. I was FREAKING out. After halftime Friday, someone in the stands told me that him and his girlfriend thought I was the best one out there. I’m not used to compliments like that and really don’t know what to say. I said thank you, but I feel so fake. I mean, I could have done so much better. I am never good enough for myself. Well, it’s almost 12:30 am, I should probably be in bed, but I just feel so crappy and so sick of everything. I never should have told about NY and I never should have told about my lack of eating. Life would be so much simpler. Okay, it is now about 11:10 am. I feel so sick. My chest hurts really bad and I’m dizzy. Dad is fixing me Rice A Roni. I weight 90 lbs now. YUCK!! I hate it. I did buy some new clothes yesterday. I bought a size 00 khaki corduroy pants and a khaki colored shirt to go with it. I also bought jeans a size 14 (in kids!!) YAY!! I ate almost 1500 cals today. I don’t like that fact, but I kind of like the fact that I could do it. Every time I didn’t eat for a little while (at least it felt like a little while to me) I would get really sick and dizzy. Anyway, maybe next week I’ll be feeling better. I can hope anyway. Monday, September 27, 2004 I ate AWFUL today. About 1500 cals. Talk about getting fat!! I took pictures of me in my new outfits and I think I look SOOOO fat!!!! EWW!! I hate it. Why can’t I just see myself like others do? I hate looking in the mirror and seeing a fat person. It disgusts me. I need to lose weight and FAST!! I look like a fat ass PIG. I want to get to 85 lbs. Sunday, October 3, 2004 I’ve lost 4 lbs in 4 days. I am now down to 86 lbs. One pound away from my goal weight. If it’s my goal weight, why do I feel so bad about not eating? I feel so tired and exhausted. I haven’t even done anything but eat and sleep. I feel like my body is failing, but how can this be? I’m only 17. I’m active. I’m too young to die. I took pictures of myself today. In some of them I looked so disgusting. I mean skinny disgusting. Bones sticking out. Ewww. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to think anymore. It was so easy when I thought I was just fat. Now I think I’m too fat and too disgustingly skinny. What is wrong with me and why won’t some one fix me?? |
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This wonderful person, this beautiful lady,
went to bed worrying about how fat she was and wondering how she was
going to get down to her "goal" weight.
Her emaciated body was found face down, the next morning, one leg drawn up. Rigor had not yet set in. She still looked worried. As I read the last line of her diary, I can only weep for her pain and the injustice of what happened to her. WHY can't she be fixed? Why? |